"How now, brown cow?"
You are bidding on the opportunity to represent us in a case that will probably be called Cwanxton vs. The Scary Dairy. Or... Something Else From Elsie. Or... Cwanxton vs. Cute Cow. Or... We're also faultin' The Family Walton. Or... "If It's Borden, It's Got
To Be Gross!"
Recently, we opened a single serving package of Borden String Cheese. To our surprise, we noticed what appears to be a hair from a human (head cheese?), bovine, or rodent. This strand of hair (or whatever it is, but we are pretty sure it is not supposed to be the "string" of string cheese) is completely embedded in the cheese cylinder.
Our research at the Official United Dairy Farmers website (www.elsie.com) listed string cheese under their "What's New" tab. Borden represents their string cheese as a "...wholesome dairy snack moms can feel good about serving their kids." Well, if Borden is shoving hair into their cheese, I guess you can't say they are trying to cheat the kiddies out of their protein. Since the string cheese is currently only available at select Wal-Mart Supercenter locations, perhaps the "stripe in a pipe" is some sort of test.
See photo below:
Upon visual inspection, you will see that the strand increases in girth from left to right, ending in what appears as a bulbous root. The center section of the strand is nearest the outer skin of the cheese cylinder; however, the strand is completely embedded in the cheese product.
The similarity to a hair follicle is remarkable. If this is indeed a hair, it is possible that oily sebum from sebaceous gland secretions coated the strand in such a way that it embedded smoothly, and without kinks, in the cheese product.
See representation of hair follicle below:
You are not bidding on the cheese product shown in the photos. You are bidding on the opportunity to represent us in a civil proceeding. Naturally, our discovery of this apparently tainted product has traumatized us, and we may never be able to truly enjoy cheese (or other dairy products, or other processed foods, or other food for that matter) ever again.
We reserve the right to review winner's qualifications upon auction end. Winner must be a licensed attorney. We reserve the right to disqualify auction winner if we are not confident in his or her ability to represent us in this case. If we disqualify winner, we will deem auction void and winner will not be responsible for payment of winning auction value.
If winner passes the post-auction evaluation process and subsequently wins our case for us, we will consider refunding the price of the auction as part of the contingency package.
Photos shown in description listing of the partially opened and uneaten cheese product are actual and unretouched.
Feel free to email with questions. Thank you and good luck.
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