June 11, 2000

"Actors are from hell." These are the first words I heard my high school director utter. After five years, I finally decided: She's right, and I'm no exception. This past Thursday, I headed into the Bronx for an audition for some feature film that I knew nothing about. When I walked out of the audition, I still knew next to nothing about the film, but I learned a whole lot more than I ever wanted to know about several of the other budding thespians.

As I entered the foyer, I was greeted by about 50 sweaty actors and actresses with headshots in hand and disgruntled looks on their faces. Apparently, many of them had been waiting a lot longer than I had. As I tried to push my way through the door, I politely asked a 45-year-old Italian gentleman if he were waiting in line. He hesitated, looked at me, looked away, took a puff on his cigarette, and responded, "Yeah." Then he stepped out of the "line" and walked out the door.

Huh?

Confused, I took a seat at the top of the stairs. As I turned to my left, I noticed that I was sitting next to a guy who looked just like Jay from Clerks. Wow, he was more like Jay than I thought. I overheard his conversation and tried not to laugh out loud:

"Yo man, you going to the prom tomorrow?" asked the Jay look-alike.
"Nah, you know I got dumped at the last second," responded his greasy looking friend.
"Well, I figure that any girl I take to this dance is gonna get banged."
"Look man, I don't wanna hear about it. I won't be getting any for a while."
"So you don't want one of these?"

Jay look-alike pulled out his wallet. Instead of several credit cards tumbling out in a line, about 20 condoms unfolded in front of him.

"Hey! I even have two flavored ones! You know, just in case she likes strawberries," he continued.
"Man, shut up!"
"I can't! I gotta use these things! It's been almost three weeks since I got any play."
"Bullsh*t. You haven't been laid yet. The closest you've come to fornication is that dare you took to penetrate a pumpkin. You're pathetic."
"I-I don't know what you're talking about. You're so full of sh*t!"
"Yeah, but it's more likely to happen than you actually getting lucky."

Wow.

So I kind of just sat there for the next two hours watching people go in and out, dejected and excited, nervous and relaxed. Finally, a guy comes up to me and says, "You. You read yet?"
"Nope, not yet."
"Okay, read this with. . . him," as the guy points to a 55-year-old man.

I take the script and sit down next to the middle-aged gentleman. He speaks first:

"Ya do this a lot?"
"Yeah, I'm kinda into it. And you?"
"Well, I'm more of a percussionist than an actor. I've been playing the drums for about 30 years and have traveled all across the West Coast. I've played at Vegas, a bit in Arizona, some pieces in California. You know, the West Coast route."
"Yeah."
"But I figured I'd give acting a try again. I mean, I wish I had the time to do this more often, but my dad has cancer and my ex-wife started drinking again so my son has to live with me, and I just can't go traveling like I used to."

All this before I even find out the guy's first name. Geez.

After some more "small talk," the two of us headed into the audition room. To be blunt, I have never before seen so many middle-aged people make such asses out of themselves. I mean, I'm no Robin Williams or Al Pacino, but I know bad acting when I see it. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. As one guy walked out, he declared, "Oh, and watch your step when you guys head out of here. A guy was murdered across the street last week." Thanks, I needed that.

For the record, my audition went pretty well, but it was clear that the directors and producers were looking for older actors and actresses. That's okay: auditions are always good experiences and often times. . . enlightening.

So, my director was right: Actors are from hell (again, myself included). But I should be fair. Not all actors are from hell, but the ones who are usually have the best stories to tell. I'd like to think I'm living proof.

Adam

Adam Lewis, WhatTheHeck's resident humorist, is a budding actor looking for opportunity. Email him by clicking here.