April 2, 2000

Smurfs do not have sex.

I feel the need to point this out because since I moved to Philadelphia (about 75 days ago), this has come up in conversation three times.

Again, Smurfs do not have sex. At least not to reproduce.

In each of the three smurfy conversations, inevitably, the fact that Smurfette is the only female Smurf is used as evidence that she is a slut. After all, Smurfs have to come from somewhere, and it only makes sense that she'd be barefoot and pregnant 24/7.

Survey says? Bzzt! Not a single smurf was born during the entire run of the show. Smurfette was created by Gargamel. Baby Smurf was brought to the village by the stork. In fact, the Smurfs are pretty pathetic. For the most part, they all are exactly the same, with only one character trait that defines them. And they rely on big birds and their arch enemy to keep their society from extinguishing itself.

Some people find that to be reason to make the Smurfs into an protypical society, a maidenship for the implementation of their political ideoloogy. That site, submitted to WhatTheHeck.com by a reader like you, attempts to prove that the Smurfs are, as another site calls them, "Socialist Men Under Red Father." The Smurfs, the site argues, are a "utopian socialist fable" that "shines a light on the real world we all live in."

Why do people write about this crap? Okay, so you have a "From each according to their abilities" thing going on, and the Smurfs are almost entirely communal, but they are a cartoon. And a damn good one at that.

Heck, the Smurfs were never intended to be a cartoon. They are a spinoff from a line of children's toys. Then-president of NBC Fred Silverman saw his young daughter playing with a Smurf doll, realized the appeal of three-apple-high blue people, and blammo-- a sitcom cartoon was born. (Don't take my word for it. Type "Smurf NBC daughter," without quotes, in that Google® box on the front page) And the whole S.M.U.R.F. acronym is a reach at best. According to an old article from the Sacramento Bee, "the Smurfs were originally called 'watchamacallits' which translated in Dutch to 'smurfen;' hence the name."

Anyway, more about Smurfette. Gargamel wanted to lure the Smurfs to him, so he created Smurfette. (I once heard that having a female Smurf was another idea of the Silverman's daughter.) Like most of Gargamel's plans, this one failed. Duh. No Smurf reproduction. Just magic. And the rest, including thousands of smiles from hours of quality television, is history. And she isn't a slut.

Tangentally related, while testing that Google® search I mentioned above, I came across this treatise on the Smurfs as an antifeminist backlash. The background image, while neat, makes the page hard to read, and besides, I really don't care enough to plow through what seems to be 2500 words on why "La La La La La La" is bad for society. Or something. And the author makes no reference to Rainbow Bright-- one cartoon who somehow avoids the "slut" label.

Dan