March 30, 2000

How's my foot taste? Mmm mmm good. And let me tell you, I'm very certain of that flavor 'cause I've been eating it at every meal. Spring break is a great time to catch up on all the Nike, Reebok, and Adidas nutrients I missed during second semester. The following events occurred in the first three days of my spring break. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and to prevent me from digesting any more leather.

Breakfast
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; mess it up and your whole day is shot.

I hadn't seen this friend in about two years. Previously, she had been a little plump, but she seemed to have lost weight since our last meeting.

"Hey, Sabrina! Wow, you've lost a lot of weight," say I.
"I have?" she responds confusedly.
"Yeah! The last time we talked you were busting out of your shirt."
"Oh. Yeah, well, I got a breast reduction. Troy thinks 'more than a handful is waste.'"
"...Uh...well...you look good all around."
"Thanks. I was anorexic for a while, but I've learned to eat again. It's not so bad, but it's harder to keep the weight off. [Nervously] Do you think I'll gain it all back if I keep eating the way I'm eating?"
"Um, that depends."
"Depends? Depends on what?"
"On how much you eat."
"So, you think I should eat very little?"
"No, I think you should eat a lot-- so you don't regress to anorexia."
"So, you think I should eat.. a lot?
"Yeah. Well, no. I mean, not a lot, but enough. I mean, enough so that you don't starve."
"So, I should eat just enough so that I don't starve."
"Excuse me, I have to go staple my mouth shut."

Lunch
I usually skip lunch. Now I know why.

Since it was my spring break, I decided to return to my local high school to visit some teachers.

"Hey, Mr. Googleyshmoogley, how goes Psychology?" I inquire.
"Not bad," he responds.
"You know, I'm taking a psychology class this semester. I see you're doing the Stroop Effect on Wednesday. I could run the lab if you want."
"Well, you may just get your chance. My wife is due any day now. When she goes into labor, I'm going to head over to the hospital and cancel classes for the rest of the day. If you're here when that happens, you can run the lab."
"Due? Congratulations! How many kids is this?"
"Um...that's hard to say."
"Hard to say? Well, it's gotta be an integer like 1 or 2 or 3. I mean, I know it can be hard to keep track of kids, but--"
"Well, my wife had a double miscarriage last year. They were twins. So, I guess this would be kid number four."

Oops.

Dinner
I wish everyday were Yom Kippur. Fasting is a good thing.

Technically speaking, this was the night before spring break, but I figure it's close enough. "Todd" was in his bed staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey, Todd, you turning in?" I ask.
"Yeah, I'm gonna make it an early night." He says.
"Ok. By the way, I have a message from Sharon: Meet me for dinner, I'll be outside the dining hall at 6:30."
"Uh...thanks."
"Yeah, sorry, I know the message is a bit late. You know, you are sooo her bitch. I mean, it's obvious who wears the pants in your relationship." (This was all just kibitzing, please understand.)
"..."
"I think you should smack her across the ass and say, 'What up, woman?'"

Sure enough, Sharon appears from beneath the covers and hurls a shoe at me.

Whatever.

Dessert
No meal is complete without something short and sweet to finish it off.

I was speaking online with a friend of mine about relationships and the name of a girl comes up. I call this girl a ho and find out that my friend has been going out with her for a week now.

Crappers.

Adam